Check Out the Cool Kids

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Would you keep reading?

Here's the opening of my (as yet) un-named Lilith novel.   I just wanted some feedback (I haven't revised or edited, so feel free to point out typos, etc) and see if you would keep reading.

Chapter One
“And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good.” Gen 1:31 KJV

I opened my eyes that first day, not knowing what a day was.  Not knowing who I was, or what that delicious warmth enveloping me was.  It was my first day, but it was the world’s sixth day.  I sat up and looked around me.

It would be hard for me to describe Eden to you in words that you can understand.  Think about the most beautiful garden.  One that’s full of life and color, without the need of retaining walls, pesticides, or laying out of beds.  The way the flowers grow naturally is perfect.  You don’t need to do anything but breath in the beauty.

My surroundings were overwhelming at first.  Not because the scene was so beautiful (in fact it was the most beautiful place I’ve seen since then as well), but simply because things were.  As I stood up and turned in a circle, tears fell from my eyes.

My breath caught as I saw a tan, soft figure lying on the ground.  I wasn’t scared, just surprised.  It’s eyes were closed and it’s chest was falling up and down.  I started to walk around this beautiful place, slightly wobbly, like a new-born colt.  

Soon however, I was bounding around, a beautiful sound coming from my throat as I flitted from tree to flower and finally to a small creek.

I looked into the water and saw a tan figure reflected at me.  It was similar to the figure on the ground, but curvier, finer boned.  I smiled and it smiled.  I reached out and touched the water, breaking the surface.

“How do you like your home?” A voice asked behind me.

I jumped up and turned around.  Standing there was a creature like me, but vastly different.  He was tall, muscled, but other than that, it was hard to tell.  His features kept shifting.  First he was dark, then light, then with long yellow hair, then short white hair.  No matter the face he had, he was smiling in a way that warmed me more than the sun or running around had.

“I do like it.” I stopped and frowned. “That’s not the right word.”

“Don’t worry, the right word will come.  Give me your hand, Lilith, there’s someone I want you to meet.”

I grasped his hand and followed him back to the other tan creature.  “This is Adam.  He’s to be your companion.”

I looked back up at this magical creature beside me and then back to this man, Adam.  “I’m not your companion?”

He laughed and hugged me.  “Yes and no.  I am a companion, but not in the way Adam is to be.  I made the two of you to be together.”  He let go of my hand and gestured for me to go to Adam.

Adam stared at me for a moment and then smiled.  “She is good, Father.”

“Yes, Adam she is.  Everything here is good.”


Aparna said...

Hi...Yes I would read it...

I noticed one typo ...
" You don’t need to do anything but breath in the beauty"...

I think you meant " You don’t need to do anything but breathe in the beauty" (breathe not breath)

Witless Exposition said...

Thanks! I'll make sure to fix that in the draft.

Alatariel said...

hey, I would probably read on, but be reluctant.

I'll tell you why (and I am being very critical here). In the first part you write: 'It would be hard for me to describe Eden to you in words that you can understand.' but then you do actually start describing. 'Think about the most beautiful garden.' I understand it would be strange if you left it all open to the imagination of the reader but you are actually creating a pretty detailed image here. What if the perfect world would be a desert with orange sand and clear blue skies?

If you are going to describe what your perfect world looks like (the garden) then I would remove the part where it says that it is hard to describe.

Also, if I understand correctly you Lilith is all new to this world. Perhaps you can fuse in more of her experience. You already did so by making her marvel at her body, but perhaps she should also be surprised by the fact that she can move a leg by just thinking about moving the leg. You do hint at that with the wobbly legs but you can definately expand that a little further.

I hope this helps you. You don't have to agree with me of course (: Good luck!

Witless Exposition said...

Thanks! That's a good idea to take off that first line, or maybe alter it a bit. It does contradict itself.

I like the idea of her exploring herself a little more. I guess I was just worried about it being too description/scene setting heavy and wanted to get on with the story proper.

Thanks for the tips!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...