I'm open to any and all critiques!
The following sentences are the first six sentences for a piece I wrote for Enchanted Conversation's Rumpelstiltskin issue. Sadly it wasn't chosen. I've decided to go back and expand it, and then use it to dip my toe into Indie publishing.
It's a re-imagining of the fairy tale, set at the turn of the century in a cotton Mill. I tried to keep it fairly realistic, although some of the things that happen are a bit...unlikely. This excerpt is from the opening of the story.
Once again, let me know what you think!
Helen signed her name in the employee log and looked up smiling at Mr. Pincher. He raised his eyebrows when he looked at her neat handwriting.
“Not many of the girls here know how to write.” He said sliding the book toward him and placing it in his desk drawer. “You should be able to catch on quickly.”
“My father wants” her voice caught at the word, “I mean, wanted all of his children to read and write.”
I wanted to give a few nods to the setting in the beginning, so I thought the literacy would give the reader a heads up about the time period. Are there other details I could give in the opening to help settle the reader into the world of the story?
Knowing that it's based on a fairy tale, what would you expect from it?
Anything else you'd like to say about it?
23 comments:
I think for anything based on a fairytale, I'd expect the basic elements to be there; in this case, the character Rumplestiltskin, the spinning of straw into gold and the firstborn son thing (or something equally heinous) but beyond that you can expand on and enhance whatever you want! Deepen the characters, give them a history and a context...
Looks like you're well on the way!
Great six! I love fairytale re-imaginings so good luck! I agree with the comment above - add the basics regarding the Rumpelstiltskin story but add some original ideas and twists.
I look forward to reading more!
Great six! I look forward to reading more. Oh, and welcome to Six Sentence Sunday!
Great six! I'm so intrigued as to how Rumpelstiltskin gets worked in.
Nice six! Looks like you're doing a great job grounding the story which is important if you're going fairy tale with it. Love retellings. More next week?
I love retold fairy tales too! Hope you keep working on this. Sounds like fun.
You're right, a few more setting details would help ground your readers. Doesn't have to be much, just let the reader see through her eyes, and feel her - anxiety? - in addition to the sadness of losing her dad.
Hope to read more.
Nice six, always love a retelling of a fairy tale, and Rumpelstiltskin is one of my favs! Nice voice, and i'm intrigued enough to want to read more... so, her father is dead, pretty sad, and that's so cleverly portrayed in that one line. Nicely done!
Nice six! I agree that just a few more setting details would help ground me in the story. It wouldn't have to be sentences and sentences of description--just little things like making "employee log" something like "cotton mill's employee roster," since that would tell us right away what kind of place we're in and the type of work she'll be doing.
Very nice 6. It will be intereing to see this progress. fairy tales are a wealth of story ideas. I have my childhood book at my desk and read them over and over.
Good start. I got a sense of the time period as soon as you mentioned the literacy issue.
~ Renee
I love retold fairytales. Are you thinking of expanding it into a novel? Great six!
Everyone loves fairy tales, and this is a good start.
SSS is a good way to learn more about the craft of writing. I've gotten some new pointers from the blogs I've visited today.
Subtle beginning. Good six.
I like your blog! I'm following you and I am also taking part in the A-Z Challenge, I look forward to seeing your entries. RuthieTootieWishes
I loved the catch in her voice at the end, very poignant.
Fairytales, to me, mean that this is a story with a very serious lesson underneath, and isn't just fluff. Poignance. Great six.
You've captured the time period brilliant. Love the idea of re-telling classic fairytales with a slightly different spin
Well done, so far! I agree with the above comments. Can't wait to see how this "spins" out!
This is a good set up. It tells us we're not in modern times and that our heroine's father has died.
Interesting idea!
Hard to say too much without more references, but as for what I;d expect I'd have to say that i would expect that there would be some kind of twist to the original storyline. :)
Great entry! I did get a feel for the time period from your six lines, so well done!
Sounds interesting - I love reading about that time period :)
Welcome to SSS!
Great six! It definitely made me curious to read more :)
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