A few of my favorite scenes

For those of you keeping up with my handy little pie chart on the side, you'll see that my screenplay is coming along pretty well.  I'm slowly plugging along, and I think I'm starting to hit a groove.  The characters are seeming more real to me, and besides some awkwardness with the dialogue that I'll fix in draft two, I'm actually pretty excited about it.  Who knows, maybe I will try to shop it around after I'm done.  

Here are a couple of the scenes that I've really liked so far. This first scene happens right after the break up scene that I posted here.  All throughout the story, Olivia has these really vivid daydream sequences.  This is one of the shortest, but I think most effective I've written. 

Hard Cut to Int. of Olivia's car

Olivia is driving down the road. She is not looking at her surroundings, just driving forward. She stops at a red light.

Daydream Sequence begins. Montage:

Olivia sees herself holding a box and standing in the doorway of her old bedroom. Her parents come behind her and give her a group bear hug.

Olivia
(whispers) No, please not that.

Olivia is now sitting on the floor in a crappy efficiency apartment. There is little to no furniture. She is typing away on her laptop. Suddenly there is a knock on the door. She opens it to see a large man with an envelope in his hand. He gives it to her and walks away. In large letters the envelop is stamped "Eviction.

Olivia is now sitting on a cot in a woman's homeless shelter. She scribbling away on a legal pad.

We now see a chalk outline on a sidewalk and police taping off the area. A police siren wails.

Daydream sequence ends

The police siren is the horn of the car behind her. The light has turned green. She quickly pulls off. In a few moments she sees the light of a Walmart sign. She turns into the parking lot.

Fade TO:Int. of Olivia's Apartment.

Olivia opens the door to the apartment, holding a couple of Walmart bags. She goes into the office and puts them down. She sees a piece of paper sitting on her keyboard.

Olivia
(reading aloud) I'm sorry about tonight. I just knew it wasn't fair for me to string you along. I wanted to let you know you can stay in the apartment as long as you need. (crumples letter and throws it on the ground. She begins to unpack the shopping bags.) You're oh so kind, David.

 She opens the box for an air mattress and starts blowing it up by mouth.
 

I thought that the air mattress thing was funny and a little sad at the same time.  That's how my mind works too, I always jump to the worst possible ending of anything.

This next section is when Olivia has to tell her parents that she and David are no more.  I love her parents, probably because they're like mine.  They don't like the position she's in, but right now when she's hurting, they're going to support her. 

 Camera transitions between the two setting while the conversation lasts.

Olivia
Hey, mom?

Mom
Hi, honey! How's everything going? I bet you're awfully busy, huh?

Olivia
Well (beat) it's not going great.

Mom
(waves a hand at Dad to call him over) Hold on a sec, I'm going to put you on speaker, ok?

Olivia
Yeah, that's fine.

Mom and Dad are now sitting around the phone.

 Dad
What is it?

Olivia
Well, David and I split up.

Mom grabs Dad's arm.

 Mom
Are you ok, sweetie?

Olivia
I'm ok. I just had to process it. I'm sorry I didn't call you sooner.

Dad
When do you need me to drive out? I can borrow Larry's trailer for your stuff.

Olivia
Mom, Dad, I want to see if I can make it here.

 Mom and Dad look at each other for a beat. Dad nods his head. 

Mom
Sure you do, honey. Where are you staying?

Olivia
I'm still in the old apartment. I'm staying through the month, in the office. I'm trying to save up money for a place of my own.

 The parents are silent for another moment.

Dad
You let us know if you need any help with deposits.

Olivia
(smiles slightly) Thanks, dad. I will.

Mom
You let us know if you need anything.

Olivia
Yeah, mom. Well, I've gotta go. I'll call you in a couple of days, ok?

Mom
Ok, honey. We love you.

Olivia
Love you, too.

 Olivia hangs up the phone. Stands and flops on her bed, which collapses, takes the pillow and yells into it.
 

 Olivia starts working at a coffee shop to help make ends meet. When she's there she meets a guy named Simon.  There is immediate, if low-key chemistry.  Simon helps set her up with a regular paying writing gig for a friend of his.  This scene happens after Simon and Olivia share a cup of coffee at the shop and Simon tried to awkwardly flirt. Oh, yeah, Simon owns a comic shop and Olivia doesn't know yet.  In the previous scene she admitted that she likes some comics, but overall she thinks it's kind of dorky.

 

Simon walks into the shop to see a whole rack has been knocked over and merchandise is everywhere. Andrew is trying to pick the rack up himself.

Simon
What the hell happened here?

Andrew
I was trying to clear some room for the tournament tonight, and I don't know, it just fell over.

Simon
Ok, you stay there and let me get the other end.

 Simon puts down his coffee on the counter. The men work together for a few moments and get the rack moved to the side of the room. Then they start to pick up the comics and put them back on the rack.

Andrew
(glances at the coffee cup) So how's Olivia?

Simon
What time are the guys supposed to get here?

Andrew
Eight thirty. Now, how was Olivia? You were gone a while.

Simon
(sighs) She's doing good. Mac's been able to get her steady work. I'm just glad he hasn't been too much of an ass to her.

Andrew
(walks over and picks up the coffee, takes a big drink) Hey, this isn't a Dragnet!

Simon
Oh, sorry. I forgot your coffee.

Andrew
So you were able to actually get coffee you liked, and you forgot to get me mine?

Simon
Something like that.

Andrew
You really do like her.

Simon
Now, let's not start that again.

He puts the last comic on the rack and starts rolling a round card table in from the back room. Andrew goes into the room and comes out with some chairs.

 Andrew
Ok, I'll drop it. It's just that Nikki really screwed you up. It's good to see you interested in a girl again.

Simon
(still putting the table up, not making eye contact) She thinks comics are dorky.

Andrew
(silent for a beat) Of course she does! You sent her to Mac for a job. He's the dorkiest guy we know.

Simon
(unfolds one of the chairs, sits down in it) It's just that Nikki had the same problem.

Andrew
No, she didn't just think comics were dorky. She thought you were dorky.

Simon
(glares) Thanks, that helps a lot.

Andrew
(goes back into back room, comes back out with another table, talking while he does this) It's not like that. She had no sense of humor. Everything was so serious with her. She thought you were stuck in a boy's dream world.

Simon
Once again, thank you.

Andrew
But we know differently. Come on, we own this business out right. We've been in the black for over a year now and our profits are rising every month. This isn't child's play.

Simon
Ok, I get your point on that.

Andrew
And Nikki was never able to get past the comics.

Simon
(hesitates) Olivia did say she liked some of the ones she's read.

Andrew
See, ask the woman out.

Simon
(stands back up, goes back to arranging the room) I think I did.

Andrew
Great!

Simon
I have to check. But I'm pretty sure I asked her out for coffee.

Andrew laughs, shakes his head and continues working.

So, tell me what you think, what you didn't get, or what you think needs to be changed!  All criticism greatly welcomed (just remember this is a rough draft!).